Catalogue Items For Christmas 2006

The Christmas 2006 catalogue was the first issue of this new phony company. Here are the items:

TRUE CRAP SHOPPING CHANNEL
PRESENTS
GIFTS FOR ALL-YEAR ROUND

Given the recent purchase by your very special friend, we take this opportunity to entice you into the TCSC pool of loyal purchasers. Please take a look at the below list, complete with competitive pricing and give the gift of love to all those on your shopping lists year-round.

All of our items are backed by a two-day, half money back guarantee and our solemn promise that you will be harassed regularly by our bothersome telemarketers.

We look forward to servicing your needs shortly.

FOR THE KITCHEN
Kitchen-Like-ade Mixer by Wannabe Kitchen-ade
(comes in olive green or creamed corn yellow)
$101.99

Add-ons for the Kitchen-Like-ade Mixer
Including one beater, half-spatula and power cord

$99.95

Easy-Bake Meth Lab
Includes low-watt light bulb, measuring spoons, a list of Potential buyers and copies of Make Your Own Meth For Dummies and Build You Meth Clientele For Dummies $34.99

FOR THE BOUDOIR
Complete Hooker-Like Accessories
Including ceiling mirror, rubber sheets, disco ball, 6 inch stiletto heels (complete with broken heel) and a Home STD Test Kit

$59.99

Add-ons for the Hooker-Like Accessories
Half-used heroin syringe, vial of cocaine, line mirror, nose pipe and a tourniquet (in your choice of festive colours)

$9.94

Basket o’ Porn
No boudoir is complete without a collection of top-notch porn videos. Some titles include “She’s Stoned so this will be Easy”, “Bumpin’ Donuts” and “Yo Quiero Taco Smell”

$5.95

FOR THE MAN IN YOUR LIFE
Viagra-like Product (7 pills)
No more Mr. Limpy when he take 5 hits of this Viagra-like product. Guaranteed to give a slight rise to your man’s manhood

$69.69

Baa-ing Bertha
For the red-neck, just plain old confused man or high paying customer in your life, Bertha the Inflatable Sheep is a top seller SO get your orders in!
*WARNING* Bertha tends to be addictive and may deflate after one use

$199.95

FOR THE PARENTS
The “How To’s” of Being A Good Parent
No parents life is complete without this collection of How To Books. Including “How to support My Child’s Third Attempt at Rehab” and “Things To Say During Visiting Day at the Prison”, these instructional guides will take the guesswork out of any situation you may be faced with.

$55.67

FOR THE LITTLE ONES

My Very First Stripper Pole

Guaranteed to put a smile on any child’s face. Complete with authentic stripper-like music, inflatable audience, and an instructional DVD that is sure to bring the whole family together.

$209.86

Educational Readers
This collection of books is a must for any working-class ho or welfare recipient. With titles such as “Mommy, What Does Eviction Mean?” and “Why Does Christopher want to be called Christine?” you will never have to worry about what your children are learning while you are out…or passed out.

$39.99

Bedtime Stories
Every child loves a good bedtime story, so this collection is an essential part of any library. The titles include: “You Were An Accident, but I Guess I Love You”, “Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”, “Bi-Curious George”, Things Rich Kids Have But You Never Will”, “Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear” and the award winning “Dad’s New Wife, Timothy”.

$27.34

Let’s Play Doctor
What child doesn’t like to play Doctor? Our doctor’s kit comes complete with prescription pad, various street-legal pills, a dull scalpel (safety first), stethoscope, the Pop-Up Book of the Human Anatomy and instructional videos on how to give a proper breast examination and how to tell when someone is passed out or dead. Definitely fun for your little one and their friends!

$89.98

We trust you will find our selection to be top notch. Keep an eye out for our next catalogue containing these and other new products including: Fuzzy Handcuffs (key sold separately), My First Bar, and our newest book 101 Uses That you Never Thought Of For Heroin, and we are also very happy to introduce a new educational reader "How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School"

OUR JAIL-HOUSE TELEMARKETERS ARE EAGERLY AWAITING TO TAKE YOUR ORDERS AND CREDIT CARD INFORMATION ON OUR 24-HOUR HOTLINE.

1-976-BUY-CRAP
all calls are $3.95 for the first minute and $0.69 per each additional 30 seconds

Remember if you receive priceless crap, it is probably from us!

The Birth of the True Crap Shopping Channel

What had originally started as a joke between my and my best friend has turned into a full-on "must share" amongst my friends, family, co-workers and even their friends.

While staring blankly at the Canadian Home Shopping Channel late one Friday night, we were in awe of the models displaying the jewelery for the hour. Odd looking pieces with over-sized tacky beads and cloisienne balls that looked more like crap than something any respectable individual would wear. This got my brain in motion and I decided to create a wonderful piece for my best friend for Christmas. I tirelessly searched for the tackiest beads and created a masterpiece for my Christmas present. Complete with a fake letter from the True Crap Shopping Channel and a catalogue that I conjured up, the gift was perfect and with that the catalogue and the TCSC was officially born.

This blog will be dedicated to the warped crap I have come up with in a hope that people will find the humour in the twisted fun that was born from a night of boredom and over-priced items marketed to individuals that have nothing better to do with their money.

One day I hope to create pictures to bring my bizarre ideas to full realization.

If you have any comments, suggestions or whatever, I would be glad to hear them. Please remember that 95% of this catalogue was created by me while the remaining 5% came from things I have seen in forwards over the years.

Ange

President of The True Crap Shopping Channel